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Episode 1

Episode 1 Transcript

oh that's

crunchy welcome to the wedding crunch it's been a hot minute Sharon it's been four years to be quite Frank four four

years and we haven't changed or aged a

bit for those new little bit heavier

Shar you are a little bit for our new

listeners the whole three of you I would

like to just give you a little

background on me and Johnny you right

there yeah like I got around on my right

Johnny and I met about six and a half

years ago I was a marriage celebrate he

was the photographer it was literally 5

days after I gotten married that's how I

remember our anniversary so clearly what

is their anniversary how many years 6

and a half 6 and a half seven in January

yep uh we clicked straight away cuz I

had a naughty personality you lik that

so it was straight away yeah Shar say

something highly inappropriate I still

can't remember exactly what it was but

show how it just comes out it was P it's

nothing scripted then I think it about 6

months later you rang me up and you said

can you fill in for me for um my

assistant

as yes yes and I was pretty excited

about that cuz i' never seen the back

end of that sort of gig at a wedding

Sharon I've never seen my back end thank

God and I think four years later yes

then presto we start up a podcast yep

during Covid once that set in everyone was

doing podcasts and we said that's not

for us as soon as someone else starts

doing it

lot lots and lots and lots of people

were doing it good reason we looked down

like a podcast call ises anybody even

care I've gotten into them over the last

cuz I'm up and down the freeway down the

peninsula I have gotten into them quite

a bit I don't mind the YouTube version

I'm not a podcast sort of guy but I'm

YouTube version lots of people do listen

to podcast in the car lots of people

drive and commute so uh then we tried uh

I think it was postco we tried a little

cent of me and your office that went

completely pearshaped

you were not fun in the office and I'm

all about funar come be a [ __ ] great

it'll be poot we'll dick around all day

and get nothing done and we actually

around got nothing done he absolutely

snapped and smiled at me I said this is

not going to end well without friendship

so I think that lasted all of two weeks

no not either yeah yeah I think it was

it was close to two weeks and then we

bounced back quite quickly from that

didn't we well then it was postco and

then there was the was like a 18 months

of weddings and then there was 4 million

weddings in about 6 months that was

tough it was really tough there were a

lot of photographers who who who I know

we burn out it was horrible we

absolutely burnt out PR Co we got

through it so here we are four years

later doing podcasts starting again

let's all right we just get into it now

something I've been talking to Johnny

about y y have we finished our

friendship SL relationship I think so

what do you mean finished it we haven't

finished it no no no as in finish

talking about it basically we have a

very high tolerance of each other we

love each other when I fly out overseas

Johnny will send me a text message love

your Gardens just in case the plane goes

down yeah yeah I I normally you know if

this is the last time we ever speak

these are the words that I want you to

hear love you love you love you and he

puts up with me burping after I've eaten

dim sims in the car so I think we we've

established a line we've got a long way

here CH on the podcast okay let's get I

big and moan about wedding parties

bridesmaids in particular to the point

where think we've had enough one of

Sharon's bumar is when bridesmaids are

not delivering when they're not being as

bridesma as they could and they may be

making a little about themselves 100%

more about themselves than the bride and

and stuff if they're not making it about

themselves they've disappeared nowhere

to be seen I've got my hand up dresses

I'm pulling nickers out I'm pulling bras

in I'm thinking why Sharon is the best

bridesma you could ever want I that is a

true story it is true we one of my

favorite ones is where uh we could see a

panty line on the bride ohte yeah and so

Shez goes no worries I'll get it up

inside and goes straight out g string

see you later gone yeah so I want to

start off with a not so great story now

this was recently now they don't listen

to this podcast so I know it's not

controversial I wasn't even going to

start with his was you so she has three

bridesmaids one has has flown down from

Queensland where in Melbourne one it's

flowing down from

Queensland she brings the boyfriend the

boyfriend gets absolutely annihilated on

the alcoholic beverage he [ __ ] face sh

he's I I can't even politically correct

there thousands of words about my mouth

just say incredibly intoxicated to the

point I was actually MC as well yes at

one point she's grabbed the boyfriend

popped him up against the wall I was

having a cup of tea out in the foyer

that's how I knew popped him up against

the wall said stay there yes and the

next thing I know she's disappeared

she's had to take him home did she prop

him against the wall so he wouldn't fall

over or did she grab him and jump pun

him into the wall no she she was very

delicate more delicate than I would have

been I just would have shoved him in the

bridal s picked him up on the way out

right she ended up leaving leaving the

whole gig left the whole gig left no no

she grabbed coats grabbed him along the

way and then left with him with him so

confused okay okay then the other two

bridesma where are the other two

bridesma darling Bri oh they've gone

it's 8:00 p.m. what do you mean they've

gone left the party we've got kids got

to go at 8:00 8:00 another couple of

hours to go package pay till 11:00 p.m.

that is a bad bad wedding party let me

just uh I just want to unbox that a

little bit there a lot going they

possibly the wrong choice of bries mes

look they were her close friends that's

why she chose

them I don't know then we go into a

conversation of what makes you choose

your wedding

party is it

obligation and how many of them Sharon

is a big question do you go none of them

because you've got too many friends oh

yes or none of them because dicks what

do you go none of them because or you

end up with two or three brothers or

sisters yes yes and then you you that

way you're not going to alienate people

by not choosing them cuz you can't have

14 bridesmaids and there's nothing worse

than rating your mat in order I've got

four grman D you're my fifth best mate

can you do a

reading I was D say you bet yeah no i'

just sit down and enjoy the show no so

the who do you think we see the most of

do we see the most of friends as a group

or do we see the most of family members

of a group siblings I think that would

be siblings more don't you think yeah

yeah yeah be 50/50 but the dynamic The

Sibling Dynamic against the friend

Dynamic M so your friend Dynamic is oh

my God you look beautiful oh my God your

sibling dynamic oh yeah what the

[ __ ] that's extreme I think what you

mean to say is the sister or the brother

will give it to you straight no that

looks ridiculous why are you wearing

those that underwear I can see it change

this or they know that your mom might be

a bit edgy and they can take some of

that heat correct parents that's a whole

of the podc yeah that's a that's one for

sure for short so the sibling bounces

back because they're blood so if you

have a

Barney with them leading up to the

wedding or on the day he bounce back

quick if you have a Zill if you have a

zilla with your sister M it'll be okay

but if Zilla with your friend you may

not bounce back as

quickly reminds me a story Sharon oh I

do love good story so we're in a uh

we're doing the portrait session we're

in we pull into a pub in Richmond and

the bride asks the bridesmaid to just

bust off the dress so she can dance to a

little acoustic guitar guy that's

playing in the Corner oh yeah so they

bust her up she heads over to the

acoustic she does a spin and the dress

unbs all hell breaks loose fire and fury

of you haven't bustled my dress well

enough thats and leashes on the chicks

right so the chicks just grab their

beers and hide in the corner now this is

pre reception we about post ceremony

ceremony and uh and I'm thinking [ __ ] R

how are we going to bring this back

right and there was no way of bringing

it back those chicks were like nah [ __ ]

it you're a badzilla we're we're just

going to pull a pin so they just didn't

hang with the bride they tucked

themselves away we had to try and nut

out that last half an hour with no input

from the the and then we get to the uh

reception and they're just whatever and

I'm thinking jeez it was just a dress

bustle you know I understand that you're

under a bit of pressure but is mates

that tells me that there is a whole

another level of crap going on somewhere

and I wish I was there to find out what

it was cuz I do love a bit of Gossip

could be a whole bigger picture than

seeing

but do you know if they bounc back and I

don't know to this day if there

difference now there's another wedding I

was the assistant to you only I wasn't

the celebrate so I don't actually give a

[ __ ] about their story now or who they

were to be honest this was years ago and

I cannot if I walk past

I wouldn't have a clue this is one of

mine this is one of yours I was the the

assistant and in all I remember it was a

big beautiful house the bride was

upstairs I go back up I possibly would

have left a lens behind which is nothing

unusual for me right I've gone up there

and I said where's your wedding party

and she said I don't know I think my

sister is with the new boyfriend now

this is pre-ceremony like she's all

nerves we're about 15 minutes from

starting uh and the other girlfriend's

off doing something and the other ones

goodness knows what and I said not on my

[ __ ] watch no so I went down and I

hauled their asses back up spend the

last 10 minutes with their friend/ this

you said you need to be up there be more

Brides baby she's a mess up there you

need to be up there did they appreciate

your imp I really don't care if it was

my couple I probably would have been a

bit more

diplomatic but they went they were

yours that really P me off cuz I found

that this woman was so upset and that's

the last emotion she needs to feel 15

minutes before walking down the aisle

yeah Sharon's got a thin for that oh

true a lot of times I'm feeling that Gap

if I find that there's a little bit of a

you know bridesmaids or Grooms or

whatever not dishing enough then I'll

try and pump them up and I'll find ways

of filling the Gap and pumping up the

bride um which I think is a photographer

job you know you're absolutely you're

not only the shooting you're the buzzman

you're the you're the enjoyment and the

fun and the excitement and all the gear

that you bring in that's right so what

you do is you mask what's going

on not everyone can be a photographer

anyone can go and learn how to shoot a

camera true but not everyone can be that

person that brings out the best everyone

yes you can just take photos or you can

be part of the family but the I've had

quite a few times where I've had to

clean up messes oh they're my favorite I

remember um or else who wouldn't be

talking about I remember the the bride

the bride unleashing on the mother of

the

bride yeah there's a movie about that I

can't mention who but um Unleashed and

I'm like oh man and I grabbed the bride

you know just afterwards I said H

remember it's her wedding too did you

say something yeah I said you just just

take a little breath and you know ease

back a little bit and just be aware of

you know what's going on I said it'll

always be a memory that you'll take

where you've unleashed on your mut it's

probably not something bounce back when

it's your mom but if it was your

mother-in-law oh that would take years

see you might say something whereas I

walk away mumbling under my bread loud

enough for everyone to hear I just done

it really

bad everything what not talking about

brazill because that's a whole another

podcast but wedding party and let's tell

a good story well as much as we started

live Sher let's finish high with a part

I'm sorry he doesn't love a bad story

everyone loves a b but you need to clean

it up with a story and let's go to Brook

and Josh's wedding M right so this here

so R onzo um Josh is a quadr plgic in a

wheelchair right his mates all day

looking after him pushing the wheelchair

helping him out pumping him up all that

sort of gear it was a magnificent

experience it was one of the most

emotional weddings again I was celebrate

and assistant and but it wasn't just

Josh side it was Brookside as well I

have never seen such a devoted emotional

together wedding party in my 9 and a

half years of being a celebrant y the um

the Clincher and the uh the one that

there wasn't a dry eye in the house we've

gone for the uh the bridal dance um so

uh Josh takeing the piss a little bit

he's in a wheelchair and the music kicks

in with Ed Sheeran when my legs don't

work like they used to before and I'm

like God that is the greatest open crowd

is just cheering and going nuts and then

his two mates grab um a chair and sit

either side of him either side of the

wheelchair and they strap themselves to

him so they they put bung or whatever

strapped his legs and and put their arms

around him so that Josh is now standing

and St in the kitchen crying I was

crying yelling out grab the video I give

Sharon the phone I go record

this we might try and put that up in the

boys have lifted him up he they put his

arms around you know um and they they

they're giving the the dance oh was

beautiful and it was just one of those

moments where you know you sho 1,300 odd

weddings that's one we'll remember

forever it was the pure emotion and of

course being that um his situation is he

couldn't be upstanding for too long

because of all the blood rushing up and

down so we only lasted about oh 30

seconds but it was the best 30 seconds

of that day wasn't it oh yeah a r it was

abely right but again it's that's the

support from a bridal party girls and

boys in that group boys especially they

were just they didn't leave his side no

the great now these were a bunch of kids

they weren't that old these were a bunch

of kids that all went through he hadn't

accident at the age of 17 so he was in

high school these were all their high

school friends what 10 years later so

2728 did not leave his side for the last

10 years and it showed on his wedding

day that my friends is a perfect wedding

party really BR party okay don't I gave

a bridesmaid a lip gloss once cuz the

bride couldn't find her I said can you

just go and give this to the bride this

was an UNC call and I turned back I said

I thought you were going to touch up

before you went into the reception she

goes I don't have anything I walked into

the bridal sweat and there the [ __ ]

all using my lip gloss glossing up

themselves I give that to me I gave it

to the bride oh there's small beds you

love them B I do love them a lot of bad

outside of the cocaine wedding at um

Encore oh I've done a few of those that

was so I I rock into the bridal suite

and it's like a scene out a scar face

right there are lines everywhere and the

groom looks up with the white on his

nose and says are we good

Johnny yeah M we're good he goes you

want to do a line yeah no M I'm working

um I guess that leads into another

little segue if you like m are we going

to talk about I really to talk about

anything wait cocaine's at wedding y or

no I don't know it's COC at a wedding

when the groom gave his speech and it

was a little bit

NY the uh the bride did smack him over

the head and said I told you not to do

Coke at our wedding and did she say at

the reception yes and while they're

doing the they wouldn't do the Bro Dan

she cracked it with him um Nathan from

Moon Back Nathan was mortified and I was

just giggling all day been wearing my

pents laugh I have a great day yeah they

were just off their everything Speedy

but Nate he was uh he was very upset

that the party was CED we' had a few

cocaine weddings again people don't

remember so tat a friend of M Tatsu I

thought you say someone else and don't

mention the name tat had a wedding where

um the bride's got the sniffles right

and she's got a little um nasal nasal

in no right and uh so Tana's got you

know a little bit of a cold too she goes

oh can I borrow the inhaler and she goes

you don't want this

one that's fantastic go get lock the

nasck and do oh my God you've just given

a holly Coke here a plain idea for their

wedding day I'm not sure if I'm

condoning

or C but did you change it into a

spray no she just be snorting it from it

right so still powder yeah yeah yeah not

that I know a lot about cocaine but I'm

imagining that's what that would be I'm

assuming Stevie NS did it right I'm

going to put a poll out up when we

release this podcast I'm going to put a

poll out C or not to C do you think it's

appropriate at a

wedding look at some people some people

love a little recreational drun sh yes

so I know that a lot of people it's

quite a booming industry quite a booming

industry we see quite a lot a wedding do

you think it's appropriate at a wedding

when majority of the people there will

not be doing the same thing so therefore

you're on separate pages from a lot of

your guests let's say isn't that

standard for a Coke situation unless you

go to a nightclub and everyone is CED

down everyone leaves and then everyone

comes back I find it quite antisocial

Coke okay any I'm not sure how we got so

deep in co

go how do we go from bridesma for having

badly to say hello to my little

friend and I'm Montana uh yeah that's

what i' like to know cuz cocaine seems

to be the drug of choice at weddings

yeah I don't hear a lot of people say

saying oh I've just popped a pill or

I've just gone had a bong is that what

you call them these days I've just gone

had a I had a what I know what you do

with the marijuana I've just injected

heroin see in the corner no I think K is

probably the go I think that's the party

goto it's easy it's a little bag it's

not offensive look at us talking about C

we have no idea what we're talking

about we do because we seen I know about

Coke is I've either seen in a paccino

movie or in a bridal sweet yeah okay I'm

saying a

word oh my gosh all right how are we

going for time should we

going let's wrap it up then let's just

do a l what have we learned today people

choose your wedding party wisely wisely

give them the rundown of your

expectations if you like give the

rundown expectations particularly on the

day or do you know what we haven't

talked about bridesmaids and I say

bridesmaids because that seems to be the

one that always happens I don't mean to

leave

groomsman or Maids of the groom you I

don't mean to leave them out but they

don't seem to cause me any grief choose

them wisely choose lots of them have

expectations but don't be a mole about

it I don't mind a big bridal party don't

go you know fireing that's talking three

guys and leave out your best mate number

four because

Chu him in yeah that's what I reckon

whatever unless you got OCD then that

wouldn't work but the firing of of a

bridesmaid I've heard quite a few times

because that were just being a dick six

weeks out from the ceremony you're fired

yeah we go we get told yeah there's four

bridesmaids and then when we get close

to the date there's three bridesmaids

what happened Sharon must

know not that anyone cares r that I ask

I firing a Roxy there you go don't be

afraid to fire someone in your wedding

party because they will not be nice on

the day if I but you're end friendship

because the friendship's done anyway is

if you're firing your

bridesmaid your friendship's over and

done with she I've never heard anyone

firing their sister you can't fight your

sister can't fight your sister that's

what you got but your friends you care

no problem say lighter people come and

go all your life right they'll come they

for a reason is seasonal for

Life yeah

some sort

of seasons of Life musical

525 yeah because they might be your best

friend at 19 but at 29 not so much let

it go fuck around I'm hot but I'm 56

years old I've lived a

few lives I to flick I do now used to be

toxic people in your life Sharon are a

waste of space see you later oxygen

sucker sucker yeah especially at my

wedding not going to happen well do you

want to wrap it up or do you want to go

straight to Bri toast that could be it

for 2024's first edition of The Wedding

crunch starring Johnny war and Sharon

Cook now prior to this I was Sharon

Palmieri but when I got married I didn't

want to take my wife's name because I

didn't want to spell Constantine for the

rest of my elderly life so I went back

to my birthday cuz I hadn't long lost my

nan who was a cook so this was I went

back to my ma name I prefer cookie do

you yeah p is too weird I thought it was

PR EX and I asked my children who are

grown up now and they said yes Mom they

actually said Mommy they still call me

Mommy we don't mind I think we di that

so we've wrapped it up okay I think so

good until next time till next time when

we talk about more elicit drugs I think

we're done with that see you